What's Wrong With Me

One of my readers made a comment today, which I really appreciated  mostly because he is one of the few readers I still have left, I think. What I have been trying to do is write about the experience, that was the reason for the last two posts. Thank god, none of the ex-band members read this thing or even care.

I went out to The Topanga Banjo and Fiddle Contest on Sunday to compete in the singing contest. I didn't get very far. They picked 5 out of 25 to move on to the next level, and there were at least eight that were better than me I think- I'm no judge of singing. Saw all of my ex-band-mates out there except for the lady in the picture above. Shook hands all around.

I'm really feeling like I've left them as much as they've left me. I don't want to put up with bad playing or bad singing. I don't want to put up with people who think they know better than me. I'm finding my way. I think I'm tired of being the organizer and the patience.

B-- wasn't any kind of driving force- I would have loved it if he had taken charge. He was just a 70-something kid who played really well.

All the stuff I took personally, as a sign that I wasn't ready to do anything on my own, has fallen away. I know when I try too hard or get excited I screw up the measures of a song. I know when I'm off key or playing wrong. I know I'm old. I know I've written a song that ends in C, which you are not supposed to do. I know I wrote a song that has two different tempos which you are not supposed to do, but It seems Mumford and Sons are doing it well.

I know that right now I want to play as much as I can by myself. I've started lessons again with someone who is teaching to reach music and hopefully will get me soloing. I'd like to jam now and then, but I don't want to play with anyone that is not in sync with me. And there ain't nobody I know of right now, who wants to.

I need to figure out a lot. I really need to figure out why I'm counting seven measures while others are counting eight. (Its somehow equaling out at 28)

I need to get back and find a balance with my prose-writing. I have at least one more first draft to rewrite,

I still feel like some kind of idiot savant with the music. Why should I know I want to write a song where the verse is is centered around an Em to a Am line.

I want now, to be around others, who are focused on performing and doing what it takes to do that. The folks that want to jam on and on and take lessons on and on, hasn't ever been a place where I can live. There are a thousand writers out there like that. There are a thousand water-colorists out there like that.

My copy-editor on the book I'm about to self publish, thinks that you can't write a fictional book about people that really were alive. I love them all, but where do these people live? (I can't play a wedding reception because I don't know any Anne Murray songs?)